How to Fail at Customer Service in 7 Easy Steps

Tired of your job? Not a fan of your boss? Looking for a change of scenery or simply just apathetic at work? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then it’s essential that you try your hand at our “7 Easy Steps to Failing at Customer Service” Guide!

We guarantee it will shift your career in an entirely new direction! So if you want out the door at your current position, but don’t know how to open it, follow these simple steps and you’ll be looking for work in no time. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to succeed at failing in customer service? Okay, let’s go!

1. Don’t Take No Guff from Nobody



That’s right Customer Service Representatives (CSR’s), defend your products, brand and level of customer service to the bitter end! After all, you’ve labored through hours of boring non-productive days and that alone deserves a degree of respect. If someone slags anything that falls under your company’s umbrella (products/services/staff/customer service/etc.), smack ‘em back with it!




2. Angry Callers Require an Aggressive Response



What better way to approach handing a hostile customer than to fight fire with fire! Remember that if a client starts to go on a rant, it’s best to always try to think about how you’re going to respond – even if it means tuning out that irate customer’s voice. What’s crucial right now is to “set the customer straight.” They have no idea what they’re talking about and you’re the expert. Let them know it’s best that they practice active listening and tune into what you’re about to say, otherwise they’re just wasting your time - state this with the conviction and authority. Overpower them an aggressive response, cut the sweet talk, and take control of the situation. What could “possib-lie” go wrong?




3. Never Escalate the Situation to a Manager



Okay, so your angry caller now wants to speak with your boss. Meh.. Managers don’t have time to deal with disgruntled customers. Even if the client requests to speak with the “powers that be,” it’s crucial that you explain that this is not possible for whatever reason you deem fitting. You can say that the manager is away today, he/she does not take client calls, or even go one step further and proclaim yourself to be the manager (now keep in mind that if you go this route, you’ll have to play the role of the manager for as long as this client continues to do business with your company – consider changing the job title on your company email to “Manager,” to make things appear 100 % legit – and don’t forget to revert to your original job title when emailing all other contacts).




4. Tell the Customer to Take Their Business Elsewhere



In the grand scheme of things, you don’t need difficult customers or even customers that complain. Clients should be seen and not heard. Keep that proverb top of mind at all times. If you decide it’s best to kick your bellyacher to the curb, do so quickly and don’t offer time for a response. Why should you listen to their rebuttal anyways? Your time is too valuable to waste! Tell them to take their business elsewhere and express your sense of entitlement – you’ve worked hard to get where you are and you’ve earned the right to speak from a pedestal! In the end, what do you have to lose?




5. Defend Yourself & Respond to Negative Online Feedback (Even Irate Customers Have a Website)



So let’s recap – you’ve now told your crazy enraged caller to get lost and take their business elsewhere. Good move! Angry people rarely complain to their friends, family, co-workers and the general populace unless they’re truly offended… Well, perhaps that’s most people.. Not in this situation! Guess what? Your erratic caller has a blog – it’s called, “Companies with Donkeys Running Customer Service” and to your surprise, the posts are eloquent, engaging and thought-provoking. After a quick peruse of the site, it turns out your irate customer has a significant following. In addition, they have a huge presence on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Google +, with what appears to be an equally nutty, borderline militant, ALL CAPS LOCK TYPING, pack of rabid devotees. Don’t let this one fall by the wayside – register as a user for the website and get ready to unleash your CSR fury.




6. Use Your Name & Company Logo in Online Posts (Today’s Trending Post is About YOU!)



That’s right – your unpleasant customer just wrote a blog about YOU and their experience with YOUR COMPANY – and get this – they even went so far as to call you by your first name, with the last name, “McLame-Oh.” What a little troll! At this point, it’s best to follow rule #1 when dealing with internet trolls: Feed them until they explode! See that comment box under the story – type in it like there’s no tomorrow (or until you reach the character constraints)! Announce who you are and tell your side of the story. Make sure you reply to your original comment multiple times before anyone else has the opportunity to reply – this will establish you as the supreme authority on all things customer service and you’ll clearly be seen as the most levelheaded individual in the dispute. Use angry emoticons and update your profile picture with your company logo. Your CEO will be proud of how staunchly you defend your organization. Don’t hold back either - let everything out! When you’re done, resist the urge to proofread. This will help you avoid deleting how you truly feel about the situation.




7. Body Language is Key to Face-to-Face Interactions – Make Yourself Look Big (Oh no! They’re here with a Live-Feed!)



Alright, you’ve practiced patience long enough – now it’s time to let ‘er loose! Let’s say your nutty customer/internet blogging superstar takes the time to show up at your office with a video camera and a live streaming feed to YouTube. What does a CSR All-Star do in this situation? The general rule of thumb is to take advantage of every opportunity to express your opinion. Consider this your chance to take the lead role, so go ahead and vocalize why you feel your actions were correct and justifiable. People love hearing why others are in the right.

Once again, you need to exude an air of authority - raise your voice to peak level and make yourself look big. You can do this by waving your arms in all directions. Also, remain cognizant of the fact that the camera is filming you at all times and you’re being broadcast live to the internet. So just like a musician, you need to own every space of your stage. With that in mind, make sure you move back and forth across the room and don’t hesitate to lean in and shake the camera – actions like these are well respected across the interweb.

And don’t forget that you have a live audience that’s hanging on your every word, so put on a show! Consider going off on a tangent about hot-button issues that are of interest to you, as this will solidify your overall credibility as a wise and trustworthy individual. When you’re done, sign off with a tough-guy catchphrase like, “See you on the flipside,” or throw it back to a nostalgic quote like, “Hasta la vista baby” (Terminator quotes are excellent material to make use of when closing the feedback loop with an upset customer). End by running out of the room or slamming the door. If it’s feasible, speed off in your car. This adds “Hollywood Action” to the “CSR Drama.”

Customer Service is Easy if You Fight Back with These 7 Steps

That’s it folks – follow these 7 simple steps to customer service and you’ll never have to deal with a furious customer again. Who knows? Maybe this guide will be the catalyst to a career change in your not too distant future.

Experience World Class Customer Service with CoreSolutions Software

Tired of the same old customer service? When you do business with CoreSolutions Software, you can expect to experience industry leading customer service that’s quite the opposite of what we’ve described here in our satirical “7 steps” guide. We’ll take you beyond software! From initial concept to full product implementation, CoreSolutions works together with your team to deliver products and services that exceed your expectations.

We subscribe to the Agile Project Methodology, which means that we convene with you regularly to provide you with product demonstrations of your solution to ensure that it meets your needs. If revisions are required, we make those changes and then we demo the solution again until we receive your final approval. As part of our brand promise, CoreSolutions are committed to providing you with exceptional service and support, alongside our customizable software applications – it’s what we do every single day and it’s what sets us apart from the competition.

Interested in chatting about how CoreSolutions can make your next project a success? Give us a call at 1-800-650-8882 or fill out a contact us form on our website and start your journey with CoreSolutions today!

For those of you seeking additional inspiration, check out our testimonials.

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Thanks for reading!

Christopher Lawn

(Graphics by Steve Malott)